Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.