I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My boss called in sick of me
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.