ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
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9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home