My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
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me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
It’s a gift
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Just so funny
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*