Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
beware of dog
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.