Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Sharon I have some bad news
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Candles never taste the way they smell
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.