If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
You Might Also Like
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Scream sneezers need love too.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.