If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars