God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
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Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
This raises questions
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Friday night party time 🥳
😎 🍻
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free