Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.