Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
john wicks are toilet candles
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)