I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
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I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
it be like that
Jupiter
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
The photographer’s assistant
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.