me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
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Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular