Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
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Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline