Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat