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my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]