[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Current mood: Potato
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel