Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa