I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
🍛
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.