Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
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Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
What if the weather talks about us?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem