She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
this isn’t threatening at all
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”