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I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
This hospital has everything
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.