ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No