[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
had to make it
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
2023 was just a warmup
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over