Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.