My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Merry Christmas
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
never deleting this app.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.