(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line