What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
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Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.