I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
mentally somewhere in italy
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.