me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
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I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
normalize having existential bread
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle