My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
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If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”