Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
You Might Also Like
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.