my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
i think both sides are to blame here
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.