If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Customize Your Wedding.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato