If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?