If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I’m crying im so happy for them
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.