Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
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Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
no cat here
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart