I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
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I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.