If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
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Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”