I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
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5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor: