It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?