me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
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[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…