[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
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live, laugh, laundry.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air