The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
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Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
💯😂