One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework