fly smarter, not harder
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married