COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
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This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Me: I know something we can do tonight đ
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Divorce Attorney: I canât just write âirreconcilable differencesâ on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I asked my brothers why theyâre getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mumđ
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I donât know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all