God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
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Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.