guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell