*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
You Might Also Like
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
courtroom exchange of the day
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?